Act II Scene I

[ACT II

Scene I. Bedchamber of Hirio. ]

Enter Hirio and Mona.

Hirio: I pray thee, madam, having already offered my refusal, thou removest thyself from my bed, and furthermore thy hands from my doublet and hose!

Mona: Nay, I'll stay a bit; we'll pour some wine and have some grapes.

Hirio: Grapes? It seems in thy mind more than grapes would be good for thy mouth...help.

Mona: And thou art refusing me? This is out of logic's realm; never have I encountered this. Truly there is valor and honor in thee, therefore I'll tell of news I heard earlier from Rammstinio's apprentice of evil, Maletas. Rammstinio is to have you killed, burnt out, removed, neutered.

Hirio: What, ho! What is this now? Surely I have never met this man, nor wronged him, or his name.

Mona: You have unwillingly; it came about that you love Sobena, and 'a went into a fit, and swore veangence upon thee for stealing his true love. Now then, since thou art to die presently, some amusment first.

Hirio: Down, strumpet! I'll send for my man Himnasio, and deliver him unto Sir Rammstinio with the information that I have no love for this woman, and we can be at peace. Now, let go.
Exeunt.

Act I Scene III

[Scene III. A Dungeon.]

Enter Sir Rammstinio and his apprentice Maletas.

Rammstinio: Thou canst easily note, assuming thous hast a drop of intelligence (quite possibly a lack of character judgement on my part), a trait in my mannerism formerly unfamiliar, or a hint in my voice, or a spring in my step or what have you, and perhaps art a bit concerned. But fret not, for I assure thee these things will not go unaccounted for, for it is my heart in fact that has been set aflame, the proverbial flame of passion, no less, ignited by none other than fair lady Sobena. Although I accept that villainy courses through my blood like a flooding river, to be loved by her would dam the flow and the resulting calm would resonate through my soul like heavenly bells, and peace for me would follow and villainy would end. Soon, now, my monkey-like urchin, I will talk to her, and the results will govern the rest of our existence, for if she refuses me, I will strike out at the world with all the venom and fury of a demon. Look, she comes now.

Enter Sobena and Baka.

Baka: To what do we owe this most exciting journey ro the dungeon, my lady?

Sobena: It is here that, for some unknown reason, dwells my confidante Sir Rammstinio. Oh my good Rammstinio, it is too excellent, it is wonderful, it is most excellent wonderful!

Rammstinio: News, my dear? Let's have't, then stay awhile and we'll discuss things which have not yet transpired.

Baka: Things? What goes on in thy evil head presently?

Rammstinio: Things which do not concern fools like thyself. Now then, the matter, Sobena, thou wish to discuss?

Sobena: Knowest thou of a war hero who calls himself Hirio?

Rammstinio: Aye, indeed, his might and valor are well known in the parts.

Sobena: It has been said that he is in love with me, and I return his love with the strength of a thousand gorillas! All that is left is for him to ask for my hadn in marriage, and in haste, he shall have't! What now, help? Why dost thou tremble so, sir?

Rammstinio: O, blood, blood, blood!!

Baka: Back! 'A is frothing at the mouth like a babbling brook, and the face is red as a red squirrel! Thy words have stricken the wretch into an epileptic fit. Come, let us go from this rank dungeon! [Exit Sobena and Baka.]

Rammstinio: Woe , woe and woe again.. A foul event for me, and the world, for I will have it out with this General until he suffers the pain I feel in my heard, though his will ache of steel while mine aches of love, and so will end all of this pain. I shall wreak my vengeance as my hatred burns with the power of a thousand suns, I feel my soul dragged away even now as I plot here, so there is no remorse for Hirio!

Exeunt.

Act I Scene II

[Scene II. The bedchamber of Sobena.]

Enter Sobena, Mona, and Baka, a fool.

Sobena: I prithee listen to me, for I, a beautiful fair maiden, by nature, and by trade as well, know all about the outrageous slings and arrows of fortune; Many occasions have I been lashed at by Lady Fortune and her mad doings, seeking to turn an honest wench into a common strumpet not unlike Mona!

Baka: Surely, there is nothing commmon about whoring of the same level as Mona; she has been known to turn a monastery into a house of goats.

Mona: What ho, help! You both strive to do me wrong, for no given reason! Know I not the most of Lady Fortune's wicked tortures.

Baka: Perhaps thou knowest best of life's wicked pleasures, but prithee confuse the two not. Fortune satisfies herself not by simply tormenting wenches, but through duplicity, strange twists of fate, and misunderstandings that lead eventually to bloodshed.

Sobena: Ill said, Fool! Such is the ranting of mad old men, and thou art not yet mad enough.

[Enter Himnasio]

Sobena: But stay thee a moment, here comes a man I believe is acquainted with Genrela Hirio, the man I love who knows me not but by my fair complexion and name. Perhaps he comes to woo me for the General, I pray.

Mona: Best of luck to thee, I'll stand off to the side with the Fool.

Baka: To stand with thee is all I intend; no closer to the ground will we get, to thy dismay, for certain. [Exit Mona and Baka.]

Himnasio: A pleasant day to thee, madam. I am Himnasio, man of General Hirio, whom I understand you are acquainted with.

Sobena: Well met, sir; do you mean that you are his son?

Himnasio: Nay, simply his man. The General has no children, nor is he married.

Sobena: (Aside) Ay, 'tis true! 'A has come in the name of Hirio to woo me!

Himnasio: I will make an attempt at this; the proper method is unknown to me, and in fact I would not have come at all had I not been all but ordered by my General, who, as you may know, has the authority to command even inanimate objects so thaty they listen.

Sobena: I know of this, his is a voice that could move the dead. Didst come here to woo me?

Himnasio: Woo? Ah- I tremble before thee-- you are correct, my lady, for you have stolen the heart straight from--

Sobena: The chest of Hirio? O, this is out of all hooping! Inform him that he has split me from the chops to th' nave, and stolen my heart as well!

Himnasio: What didst thou say?

Sobena: Depart from here immediately and tell him that I am doubly in love with him !

Himnasio: Oh, woe is me! Exeunt.

Act I Scene I

[Dramatis Personae

General Hirio, acclaimed war hero with tragic flaw
Sir Rammstinio, a villain
Himnasio, incompetent friend to Hirio
Maletas, evil monkey-like apprentice to Rammstinio
Baka, a fool
Sobena, a fair maiden
Mona, a whore

Scene: unimportant, nameless country]

[ACT I

Scene I. Bedchamber of Himnasio.]

Enter Hirio, and his man Himnasio.

Hirio: What then, my good man Himnasio? For what is my assistance required that thou hast called me to, of all places, thy bedchamber? Come, quick. The hour grows late.

Himnasio: Dear General, prithee 'tis only a moment of thy time I request; for I know thou art a war hero most highly acclaimed, and have not the time for petty matters such as this. Therefore, I'll be brief; after all, brevity is the soul of.. of...

Hirio: Stay, thy ranting is like that of a prating knave! Hath the plague struck thy feeble mind? Speak now, friend!

Himnasio: Nay, my mind is well; not so for my heart, however. I have been struck at with the partisan... of love. Such is the beauty I have encountered of this woman I speak of that would... destroy a country.

Hirio: Beauty that would destroy a country? Hark! Surely you mean the opposite, friend Himnasio, as my suspicion is now confirmed that thou art as good with the use of words as a nun is with the use of monkeys!

Himnasio: What sayest thou, General?

Hirio: That thou, although noble, good and honest, art also an incompetent fool. But start not so, my friend, for I will put this trait aside and ignore it, trusting you as I would my own flesh, no matter the amountof trouble it causes nor blood it sheds. Now without further art, knowest thou the name of thy fair lady?

Himnasio: But of course, for though may be a fool with words, I communicate with and follow my heart to the ends of the earth, and know her name to be Sobena.

Hirio: Ay, indeed I know of this woman, and fair she is indeed, like a white flake of pure white snow against a hard black sky of wickedness and drabbing.

Himnasio: Sobena is, indeed a sweet refreshing drink in a world of bitter ale.

Hirio: Thou art indeed a knave. Doth lady Sobena know of thy heart's condition for her?

Himnasio: 'Zounds, nay, nay! My very soul trembles at the thought of approaching her! Oft I have attempted to tell her of my state but lack the gall, for I am pigeon-livered.

Hirio: To woo, or not to woo, that is no question. For whetner 'tis nobler in thy mind to suffer the loneliness thou hast chosen for thyself thus far, or to take arms in the sea of love and confront thy true dream, there's the rub. The first choice surely leads you to madness and dark, cold death. The second, however, leads you to madness and possibly a happy death making the beast with a beautiful woman. One requires only content for solitude, patience, and strong will, and leads to the loss of all these things with the onset of deranged insanity. But to the second, I prithee head, for nothing better is ther than the madness of love, for upon the loss of all other senses, thy love is magnified tenfold, and the resultant death is happier than the life of, say, a drabbery owner, or a monkey. What sayest thou now?

Himnasio: O General, I'll use thy words well, thou art wise indeed! Speaking of wisdom, I shall depart for the bedchamber of Sobena, and board her presently! [Exit Himnasio.]

Hirio: Help, ho! Take care in what you say to her!
Exeunt.

Page 17

Ever a man of benevolence, you hold your hand up in a "just a moment, Maletas" gesture to Maletas and indicate that no drinking is to be done until your man can join the two of you. We`ll make a toast, you say, with actual ale, provided your comrade has brought enough money.

Sure enough, the jingle of a money pouch is among the sounds your man Himnasio brings with him as he staggers into the pub, looking well dressed as usual but carrying himself in a manner that shatters any pretense of elegance. Upon seeing you, he breaks into an "ah, there you are" smile, an expression you are quite used to seeing by now as when Himnasio is not with you he is surely looking for you. He turns his limp into a victorious stride in your direction, stumbles into a table and screams as the oaken edge drives into his hipbone, attracting the attention of anyone who hadn`t noticed his clumsy entrance.

"Ahh, Himnasio," you say. You would hate him for his near-psychotic devotion, but it would be like hating a blind, 1-legged dog. Plus, he serves his purposes.

"Master! I am parched, as you must be! Perhaps a potable for our poting pleasure?" And he is nothing if not reliable. You can`t think of a single time when he has let you down or inadvertently gotten you killed.

"Maletas and I were just waiting for you to join us. But as you can see, I have dropped my beverage," as you indicate your fallen stein with a sweep of your hand, "leaving Maletas with the only drink, which he was kind enough to offer to me .." it occurs to you that you are being honest, and this impresses you.

Alarm registers on the finely shaped, yet perpetually cut or bruised face of Himnasio, and he nervously scratches his eyepatch, which you notice bears the insignia of a lizard. "Nay, Master, beware of the drink that the hunchback doth offer, as on the previous occasion wherein I accepted a thirst-quashing beverage from him, it quashed not only my thirst, but my life as well."

You vaguely recall the event he is referring to. "Refresh me," as you furrow your brow, "was your death bloody?"

"`Twas not."

"Ah, now I remember."

"Allow me to buy you a non-potentially-lethal drink in its stead, Master." Without waiting for your reply, which he must know by now will be a polite refusal which turns into an acceptance after a single protest, he calls to the bartender for two drinks, and the bartender scowls, shakes his head and complies.

That bartender hates you.

"Now then," you announce to your two companions, tankards now in all 3 of your hands (that is to say, one tankard for each of the 3 of you, held in a single hand each .. you do not have 3 hands) "A toast. To the wonders of the world, that they may be given to us."

Himnasio nearly drops his mug in excitement at this. "My lord! It is funny that you should say such a thing!" He wants you to ask him why, but you want to consume your beverage and stop talking. You sigh and lower your untouched drink.

"Why?"

Go on to the next page.

Page 2

After some serious thought, you decide that this monkey thing, indeed, means you no harm. After all, when has the misfigured Maletas ever done anything to wrong you? After all, aside from being Rammstinio's henchman, he really isn't a bad fellow.

You think to yourself, "self, if only my aide Himnasio were here, he would definitely be able to solve the dilemma of whether I should drink the trusted water provided by a source I trust, or to bite, like a rabid monkey, at the rotten fruits of the most wretched of trees, that is proffered by the monkey-like apprentice of my dearest enemy."

As though on cue with your internal monologous quippings, you hear a crash at the door. It seems the hunble servant, Himnasio has finally discovered a method for dismounting the ass he seems insistent on riding.

If you decide to drink what is offered by the quasi-insidious Maletas without consulting your trusty, if mildly retarded servant, Continue to Page 3

If you decide to wait for Himnasio's counsel, Turn to Page 17

Page 616

As you turn to accept the water proffered by the barkeep, which can only be described as having the look and consistency of Aloe Vera Drink, rage contorts Maletas’ face. His plan foiled by your unusually callous behavior, he must act quickly. You do not notice as he slides from his seat onto the damp rush covered floor. You still do not notice as he hobbles toward you, his bad leg leaving a clear path in the rushes.

As you start to pour the foul water into you goatskin pouch your arm is jostled. While the stein falls towards the ground, Maletas indicates forcefully, so that your mighty intelligence will not misconstrue him, that he has important news and that it would be best for you to quench your thirst with him.

If you decide to accept his second offer, turn to Page 2.

If you decide to forcefully show Maletas that you have no interest in conversing with him, turn the page.

Suffer Through Your Own Agonizing Existence Until Ecstatic Release Through Individual Extinction

Your name is Hirio. You're a strapping young lad that leads a noble and just life full of adventure in the battling of evil-doers, who are usually named Rammstinio (if memory serves(which it usually doesn't)). You are tall, dark and handsome, or perhaps short, squat and ugly, or, then again, perhaps somewhere in between.

You are rather strong, and well skilled, but apparently you rolled some pretty poor dice when it comes to wisdom, and although you're pretty intelligent, people will just trick you into doing their bidding if they are cunning enough.

Anyway,
One night, after a thirst provoking smiting of evil powers in the defence of maidens of grace and virtue you pass by a local public house. Seeing no well nearby, and your goatskin pouch is empty, you decide to enter in order to ask the barkeeper for a stein of water. The barkeeper looks at you with a disdainful eye. He knows you and your cheapass, and he knows full well that you are just going to ask for a wretched stein of water as per usual, and not even tip him.
Something colorful and flashy briefly catches your eye and, unbeknownst to you, the barkeep makes a deft move to grab the mug that was used as a spitoon the night before and chooses to conveniently forget to rinse it out. He deposits the last nights residues in the barrel reserved for things like that, and fills the stein in preparation for your request.

As you reach the bar you notice a familiar hump. Slightly below the hump, and to the left is a familiar face. Why, if it isn't your friend Maletas! Sure, he hangs out with the wrong crowd too often, but there's something about that sympathetic, hideous face that makes you think well of him.

Maletas seems to have been watching you since you entered, and already has his hand outreached with what appears to be a mighty tasty (and completely non-alcoholic(w00t) ) beverage. He seems to be chuckling about something, in that strang reptilian way of his.

If you accept Maletas' offer and drink of the tasty (and completely non-alcoholic) beverage, turn the page.

If you decide that the only thing that can truly quench your heroic and Tolkienian-in-magnitude thirst is to ask the barkeep for water in that particularly lovely stein he always has prepared for you, turn to page 616.

Creative Differences

It's bad haiku time
Something to post to this blog
That is creative

First: Five syllables
And then seven syllables
With another five

I bought in Kamman
Something called a "Crack Sandwich"
'Twas very tasty

If you are in pain
From reading this wretched verse
It was Mike's idea

Perhaps next posting
I'll try to write a sonnet
You'll know suffering

This is Frank, signing off.

Apology

We of little skill will attempt to amuse and entertain you with this cesspool of satirical wit. This play, in five parts, mixes the strange, the macabre and the flamboyant to create the compelling story of Hirio and his man. Hirio, long since killed off in another equally well written piece, has been revived by the demand of an audience distraught over his death. Our play will bring tears to your eyes, laughter to your heart and a bad taste to your mouth. Please sit back, enjoy and, preferably, keep your mouth shut.